So, from my point of view, the main things to take away from Portland are: There are loads of homeless people on crack/bath salts, hipsters and seriously awesome doughnuts. I also lit my hair on fire in a bar when leaning in for a bridal party picture 2 days before the wedding, so I was talk taking away a little less hair than I came to Portland with.
I saw an episode of Simpsons (coincidentally) right before I left where all these hipsters came to Springfield and this guy was making weird doughnuts and I was all like, wouldn't that be amazing? And then my BF was like, it's a real thing and we go there next week. So the whole trip all I could think about was how, between all my bridesmaids duties, was I going to be able to wait in line for 3 hours to eat a doughnut with bacon on it. I honestly didn't think I'd make it, but thanks to jet lag, I was up stupid early on Saturday morning, the day of the wedding. I went to the gym in a vain attempt to preempt that 8 zillion calories I was about to eat and then got so excited, I left early and ran to VooDoo Doughnut at 730 in the morning in my work out gear, sleeveless in barely above freezing weather. Worth it.
I only had to wait in line for 30 min and when I was almost at the front some obnoxious woman with her 25 kids let them all go individually. Listen, I love kids. I like to entertain them, that's why I work in kids TV. But, when there is a line around the block to get something, please don't make said line a million times longer just because your kids wants to hand the lady a dollar. You and your children are not the only people on earth and the group of yummy mummies with their kids in front of you were nice enough to get their s^&t together and order as a group. Rant over.
Needless to say when I finally got to the register I was presented with this:
I basically had my small order in my head and was planning my run back (because at this point I was running half an hour later for my hair appointment, but come on, bacon doughnuts. Priorities.) when I suddenly wanted everything. So I ordered:
- A cock n balls - huge phallic doughnut filled with cream. (with the brides name artfully written across the shaft).
- One covered in Fruit Loops because in University the bride and I made a regular habit of eating dry cereal pretty much all the time.
- One covered in Oreros because... well it was covered in Oreos.
- Two little ones that looked like boobs because it was funny.
- A Wookie, which is their signature shape (a VooDoo Doll, see what they did there?) but decorated as a Wookie.
I ate it's arm.
- Two Maple Blazer Blunts. One was for my BF, and was my second favourite (after the bacon doughnut, obviously). They cost $4.20. See what they did there again??.
- A Portland cream, which is exactly like a Boston cream but they paint two little white eyes on it.
- And finally, a maple bacon doughnut. It was definitely the best thing I'd eaten in Portland. It was just a regular maple glazed bar. WITH BACON. I can't emphasize enough how awesome it was. We had bacon and eggs that morning as well (so in total, I basically ate 7 pieces of bacon in the space of about an hour) and it was the first doughnut gone.
Our wedding day spread
I think I may have over estimated how much seven girls will eat right before they have to get into fancy dresses because there were a few leftovers which I delivered to the groomsmen.
In total I spent about an hour getting them and $20. It's a must if you are in Portland, along with going down to the cost and seeing The Goonies beach... but heads up, don't wear wedges because you have to hike down and your boyfriend might get mad at you for having to carry you.
Heads up, they only take cash... hipsters for ya.